Jokes and Quotes for Seniors
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.
Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Please pay me in advance."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...
I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.